Life

We’re Moving!!

I have become seriously addicted to the show “Scandal”.  Netflix is not my friend when I am stressed out.  But I have a major girl crush on the main character, Olivia Pope, who fixes or “handles” big DC dramas and “scandals” with finesse, dexterity and ease.  She is a dynamic, bold woman that anyone with a feminist bone in their body will love.  Olivia Pope is keeping me sane right now.

It’s been official and public for some time now, but it hasn’t seemed real until the month of June rolled around.  My family and I are moving to Toronto, Ontario this August, where Jazz’s grad school is located.  While we are simply overjoyed to live in such a truly marvelous and diverse city as Toronto, with it’s amazing music scene, cultural cuisine galore, and rather close proximity to a Great Lake, the stress of such a big and literally foreign move has been weighing on me big time since June 1.  You see, while Jazz’s school is lined up and ready to go, we have yet to find a source of income (my job), an apartment (which are VERY expensive), or visas (which I’m told we don’t obtain until we enter Canada, which stresses me out beyond belief).

With less than 58 days left until our tentative move date, I am on “shut down” mode.  Do you do this too?  You become so overwhelmed that you can’t seem to do anything else besides think about the thing that is stressing you out.  It might just be my ADHD, but that is happening to me.  Social interaction, music writing, working out, and this blog have all flown out the window  -all things that make my life feel full and meaningful. And don’t even mention social media. Twitter or Instagram?  They are gone too.  I am on autopilot.  All the while, the countdown continues and I feel I am missing out on time I should be spending with loved ones, people whom I will dearly miss while we are several hours away for several years.  But sitting down and watching Olivia Pope take care of a another “scandal” takes my mind off of all my unwanted stress and tortilla chip cravings.  Like I said, Olivia Pope is keeping me sane.

If you find yourself asking yourself, “how can I help?”, I have three answers:

1. You can’t, really.  Unless you have some serious connections in the Toronto area.  Chips need to fall where they may.

2. Make me hang out with you and get my mind off apartment hunting.

3. Hire me Oliva Pope.

Having hope that everything will be fine, that the hard work we put in will pay off, is really hard, suffocating even.  Finding peace amongst stress seems impossible.  But I know it’s not.  I know that we are more successful when we are at peace than when we are stressed.   But one offers a false sense of security.  When I stress my self out, I convince myself that I am taking control of our situation, when the reality is, I have very little control.

Maybe writing a public statement will make this more a reality but as we move forward, I am going to try and find the peaceful route.  To breathe deeply and trust that everything will be ok.  To remember that what we are entering into is going to be exciting, fun and life changing.  And that our family is going to be together with lots of close friends and family behind us, supporting us from afar.

I will keep you updated as life progresses, but for now, if you feel so inclined, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  And if you have any other Netflix recommendations they will be needed since I only have 5 more episodes of “Scandal” left!

Grace and peace to you, in whatever stress is bogging you down and keeping you from feeling free.

xoxo

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Life

I’ve Bought Nothing For Father’s Day

It’s Father’s Day this weekend- hopefully that doesn’t come as a shock- and I am 100% unprepared. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. What do give the man who is co-raising your daughter with you and does such a fantastic job? Do I give him the glass, travel mug he so forwardly requested via a text message and several follow up questions to see whether I looked at the mug which he requested? Do I buy a card that someone else wrote, which fits well into the context of our family, but nonetheless will be received by many other fathers this weekend? Do I buy him one more coffee toy, which would actually bring him immense joy?

These things seem so trivial in light of the deep gratitude I have for the way he fathers our child and the fact that HE is the father of our child (not that there was ever any doubt, I just really like him). There is truly nothing I could give that will express this overwhelming gratitude. So when I browsed through the card aisle, and looked at the mug he requested, I couldn’t get myself to buy one. My husband may receive nothing for Father’s Day because of my desire to give him something that reflects an immeasurable, abstract concept which is completely subjective to my feelings.

Sigh.

Not to mention, we have so many fatherly figures that have truly changed our lives. What about them? How do I thank my Dad for raising me and loving me as I am? Seriously, that is the greatest gift of all. Although I’m sure he’d love a new grill but how does a grill compare to unconditional love and ridiculous amounts of money spent on music lessons growing up. And Jazz, whose biological father is absent, has had a wonderful man step up and adopt him as his own son at the age of 18. What do you give a man like that?

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, is hard. But nevertheless, the fact that these men are still with us and present enough to give a card or a coffee mug is a blessing. Even though a card will never suffice as a proper gift, being able to say thank you to a living person is good enough.

So maybe Jazz will receive his beloved travel mug this Father’s Day, maybe he won’t. All that matters is the fact that Jazz will always be Willow’s father, and that we get to share another day together. And although I may never be able to express my gratitude for how he cares for our child, I think it is safe to say it is a two-way street.

Happy Father’s Day!

xoxo

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